she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
