Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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