Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's on the porch naked. Help.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
