You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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