Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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