Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
