god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
