Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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