I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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