How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He? As in you personified your dick?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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