I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
