Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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