and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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