I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
