I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
