If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
