I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
