Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
