There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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