cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
