You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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