Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
