My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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