I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
