Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dick very happy bro
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
