her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
