Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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