I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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