I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
