turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
