Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
