Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
