i came on her dog
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
