'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
