i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
