Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
