A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
