batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
