Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
