We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
