My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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