If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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