Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
