he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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