Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
