I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
