ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Boobs speak an international language.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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