I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Its about making memories worth repressing
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
