A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
