OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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