She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
